Alrighty, fans and friends and everyone in between.
It has come to my attention that, despite what I believe in my own mind, I am not yet famous. Nope. Not even a little bit. On the “Fame” scale, I’m still “Obscure”. In fact, not only “obscure”, but downright “Unknown”. So unknown, in fact, that I was on the phone today with an agent and he said “What’d you say your name was, again?” Here’s the rub: It was MY agent.
This, despite the fact that I’m not only funny, but devlishly handsome, too. The Don Draper of dick jokes, I say. Can you believe I am not rolling in the proverbial dough like Scrooge McDuck?
Me neither, which is why I am happy to bring to you my newest campaign. So new, in fact, that I tried it before in 2009. All of YOU dropped the ball on it, so I’m giving you another shot at making it work. Let’s get it right this time, people. Here it is:
MAKE WARD FAMOUS…and Eat!
What is this brilliant strategy, you ask? Well, it’s quite simple: Make me famous, and I’ll buy you dinner. Yep, that’s it. It’s JUST THAT SIMPLE! It’s a great idea, and one that can help all of us. I want to be famous, and YOU want to eat. Everyone wins.
“But, Ward, how can I help you with this? Sure, I want dinner. I sure do loves me some chow. But what does this challenge entail?”
Glad you asked. Here it is. On a regular basis, hundreds if not dozens of people read my blog, email me, and check my website for updates and information. This includes that Twitter thing and that Facebook thing. If each one of you tells ONE PERSON PER WEEK about me, that’s 1000 new people each week who have heard The Word of Ward, as I like to call it. That’s over 50,000 people per year! Now imagine if you each told FIVE PEOPLE PER WEEK ABOUT ME! See where I’m getting? Yes, I’m going to be the Amway of comedy. The Pyramid Scheme of the Chuckle Hut Scene. Snappy, right?
Eventually, I’m going to know just who is spreading the Word of Ward the fastest. And BAM! Dinner is on me! And it’s YOUR CHOICE of how you want to do dinner, too. You want me to treat you to Olive Garden the next time I’m rolling through Little Rock, Arkansas? You got it. You want me to cook you some chicken at my place in Toronto? Damn skippy. Make me famous, and I’ll make you dinner.
(Disclaimer: If I become hugely famous, I will be much appreciative for your efforts. But the chances are pretty good that, if I become hugely famous, I will not be having you over to my home in Toronto. Famous people don’t let their fans, groupies, or stalkers come over for dinner. Suffice to say, if I’m made hugely famous, you’ll have to settle for a meet-and-greet at which visible security guards will be on-hand at all times. Kind of like speed dating, without all the disappointment and talk about cats.)
“Hey, I’m a true Ward fan,” you say, “I tell people about you ALL THE TIME! I want dinner, but I mostly want to spread the Word of Ward. What else can I do?”
Glad you asked. Because I’m also currently looking for a sponsor. GENIUS, I KNOW!!
Do you have access to an energy drink, type of booze, or line of clothing that needs to jump on this runaway train we call “Ward”? Well, that gets you dinner, too! Helping me stay in the public eye and gainfully employed will TOTALLY entitle you to some grub at Pizzaeria Uno or maybe even a fancy place like Applebee’s. And who wouldn’t want to see “WARD ANDERSON – BROUGHT TO YOU BY ALMOND JOY”?!?! Better yet, since I’m the best thing to happen to cool since Mad Men, who is to say I couldn’t rock a Banana Republic sports jacket on that stage, mofos? Well, I could. I’m smooth like silk and have more rhymes than Clementine. See what I did, there?
MAKE WARD FAMOUS…AND EAT!
It’s sweeping North America, people, and you absolutely want to be holding your share of that broom.
You’ll notice that I didn’t say “RICH AND FAMOUS”, eh? That’s because I’m certain the fortunes will come as my fame increases. And you know what that means, don’t you? BETTER DINNERS FOR YOU! Get me some TV time, and your stock just went up in the Ward World. A local TV interview in a major city will get you a sweet wrap at Chipotle. But a national TV spot or syndicated TV appearance that YOU arrange? That’s good for a T-bone at The Cheesecake Factory! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY RESIST?
And, hey, you don’t want to have dinner with me? FINE. A gift certificate can totally be substituted where a real, live Ward isn’t required.
So, let the competition begin! I will patiently wait by my computer, checking my email and preparing my taste buds.
Isn’t it about time? The clock is ticking, people, and the time for Ward to be famous has long since been necessary. You want me to be famous, don’t you? Well, so do I! You want to see me on TV more, right? Well, so do I! You want to feed my uncontrollable ego and rampant narcissism right? WELL, SO DO I!
And you’re hungry. So am I.
MAKE WARD FAMOUS! After all, you’ve gotta eat!
See you at the buffet,