>"Joe Sixpack" Sucks

>With an election upon us in a matter of weeks, I find myself being reminded that–yet again–it all comes down to this mysterious fellow named “Joe Sixpack“. Every politician in the country wants this guy’s vote, and they want to remind the rest of America that Mr. Sixpack is exactly the guy who they’re talking to at any given point. It’s not Corporate America’s pocket that our leaders in which our leaders are firmly planted. No, they’re hanging on to the denim threads of Joe’s overalls. It isn’t wealthy businessmen or Wall Street tycoons who are influencing our political heroes these days. It’s just Joe.

I can’t stand Joe Sixpack.

I am amazed that I find myself in my mid-30s, a citizen of the most-powerful and wealthiest nation on the planet, and am having major leadership decisions made by a guy who is, to put it bluntly, a complete douchebag. Every four years, when I watch the Presidential candidates shlupping their campaign from coast to coast, my skin crawls as I watch them lie to the general public about whom they really give a shit…and then watch the ignorant people everywhere lap it up as if there’s any actual validity to it whatsoever.

Joe Sixpack is a douchebag.

First of all, Joe Sixpack is a jackass because he doesn’t understand how to buy things. Why the hell is he buying a sixpack in the first place? You save money by purchasing food and beverages in bulk quantities. Everyone knows that. Joe should really spend a few extra bucks at The Piggly Wiggly and become “Joe Case”. Joe, you’re going to drink all twelve beers anyway, so stop blowing your money away on these sixpacks.

Secondly, Joe’s taxes won’t change no matter which candidate he votes into office. Let’s be honest. Joe Sixpack lives in a trailer. He drives an old Trans Am because it’s what The Bandit drove. He likes movies starring Jean Claude Van Damme that even Jean Claude Van Damme won’t watch. Those enormous “Hungry Man” dinners that you see in the supermarket? Joe’s got a fridge full of those things. Needless to say, Joe is not going to be in a tax bracket remotely affected by the outcome of the next election. Yet the candidates are still talking to him. Thanks a lot, Joe.

Thirdly, Joe will likely never really have to encounter a homosexual. This closest Joe has ever come to interacting with a gay man is when he went to a Judas Priest concert. Joe’s local bar has a jukebox with nothing on it but Bad Company CDs, he’s lived in the same town his entire life, and he doesn’t travel, except the occasional trip to Daytona Beach for a bike rally. He will likely never have to even have a conversation with a homosexual that lasts longer than three minutes. Yet he’s got plenty of opinions about homosexuals, and feels that everyone needs to know exactly how he feels. He’s against gay marriage and will vote accordingly, regardless of the fact that he has no real reason to believe one way or the other. You’re a dick, Joe.

Joe has also never seen anyone who isn’t the same religion as he is. He doesn’t like Jews because someone told him that the guy who runs his banks is Jewish. He hates Muslims, too, but prefers to call them “ragheads“. So, Joe is going to make sure that he always votes for anything that is going to promote his own religion, and crams it into schools and government institutions wherever possible. Joe also thinks there’s a “War on Christmas”, even though it’s not out of the ordinary to hear “Silent Night” playing in Wal-Mart in October. Happy Holidays, Joe.

Joe is also a dick because he hates immigrants but lives 1,000 miles from the closest border; He bitches about foreigners but drives a Toyota; He’s racist, but says things like “Hollaback” and listens to Eminem; He complains about the “liberal media” but only listens to AM Rado; He also thinks that “Support the Troops” means putting a yellow ribbon on his truck and calling anyone without one a “faggot”; Joe’s idea of feminism is someone who thinks exactly like an old, rich, white man…but just so happens to have a vagina.

Mostly, Joe is a douchebag simply because he’s ignorant about the very people who call him important. Joe has somehow been led to believe that Jesus likes elephants better than donkeys and, if he were alive today, would definitely be a white American dude. Joe spews nonsensical sound bytes about tax reform when he’s been filling out the same “E-Z” paperwork for twenty years. Joe has been led to believe the word “Liberal” has the same definition as “Communist”, and believes that “Family Values” refers to being allowed to hit your kids with your belt buckle as long as it isn’t across the face.

Joe has changed the world. It isn’t one politician that’s speaking to Joe these days. It’s every politician. Because of Joe, the word “intelligent” was somehow replaced with “elitist”. Because of Joe, being smarter than the other guy became a bad thing, and now every other Yale graduate running for office has to pretend he likes to buy Beanie-Weenies every day at K-Mart. Because of Joe, no one wants someone exceptional to lead the nation anymore.

Instead, Joe just wants to elect someone he’d share that sixpack with. He’d rather vote for the guy who throws a ball well and spends his free-time “working” on his ranch. When people used to say “Anyone can be President”, what they didn’t really mean is that just anybody can be President. That’s another problem with Joe, too: He takes things way too literally. While everyone else scoffed, he was actually outside trying to put lipstick on a pig.

Because of Joe, people think that being a decent public speaker is the same thing as “holding your own” in a debate. Joe thinks that that pretty lady on TV was actually winking at him when she was talking. Joe hears absolute bullshit wrapped in obviously fake “folksiness” and thinks it must be genuine. Joe hears words like “hockey mom” and think it actually means something. He’s been so misled, he doesn’t realize that the only thing important about him is that vote he’s going to cast in November. After that, the candidates will go right back to not giving a shit about Joe.

Everybody wants to talk about Joe. Everybody wants Joe to know that they care about him. Everyone wants Joe to run out and vote.

Me? I’m pissed that Joe votes at all. Enjoy your sixpack, Joe, because I think you suck.

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