Greetings from The Bahamas!

Hello, all.

 

As I write this, I’m looking out the window at the ocean.  It’s a beautiful day here in Nassau and all is well.

I have, however, been a bit out of touch and havent’ gotten as much done as I would have liked.  Happens every time I come here to The Atlantis Resort for shows: I get a bit out of touch with the rest of the world.

So, it’s almost March already and 2012 is apparently going to fly by like a mofo.  I’ll be going from this beautiful weather and heat next week to Fargo, North Dakota…one of the coldest cities on the planet.  Eeesh.  Just in time to lose what little tan I might have gotten here.

From there, I’ll be in parts of Michigan, Indiana, and Kentucky.  The train keeps moving, my friends.  A new CD on the way this year.  A new TV special being taped.  All kinds of things on my plate.  Hope you like what you (hopefully) see.

Hope you are all well and having a great new year.  Please drop me a line anytimg and let me know how you are, wherever you are.

See you then,

Ward

5 Things Hollywood Pretends Are Not Expensive

If you spend a lot of time watching movies–and not just going to the theatre every once in a while–you begin to notice a trend: Movies are about Average Joe’s.  Sure, there’s the occasional flick that shows you how the other half lives.  But, unless the movie is about some guy going from rags to riches, there’s not a lot of focus on the top 1% in the average popcorn movie.  Middle class people like you and me (or, mostly you) and poor people (like me) tend to make up the heros in the most common Hollywood feature.  And it’s not limited to movies, either.  The average sitcom or drama on TV showcases the lives of “everyone else”.  The working-class dogs, seen in their environment.

Well, kinda.  See, Hollywood apparently would have us believe that poor people have access to all the things people with money tend to be doing.  Here’s a list of MY FIVE examples of really expensive things that we keep seeing poor people doing on TV and in the movies.

5. Riding in Private Cabins On Trains.  Quick, think of the last time you saw a movie where the characters in it had to take a train ride somewhere.  Did they sit in their cozy little private cabin, staring out the window at the scenery?  Of course they did.  They always do.  The number of movies where characters are seen actually sitting in Coach, surrounded by dozens of other people, are approximately four.  Which four remains to be seen, but that’s about it.  Every other movie that features people on a train is filmed in that quiet little cabin, the two characters facing one another, glancing out the window and speaking of their backpacking experiences across Europe and what it’s like to be a broke college student.  Well, those movies are full of it.  Those private cabins cost as much as rent on a condo.  A quick look at a ride from Toronto to Edmonton in a private cabin came back with a DISCOUNTED SALE PRICE of $1,000 before taxes.  That’s ON SALE.  You know who rides in those cabins?  Rich people, businessmen on the company dime, and old people who have nothing left to lose.  You know who you never see in those cabins?  Poor people and college students backpacking to hostels.  If you see hippie backpackers riding in a private cabin, they are either trust-fund babies or they are camping because they spent all their money on that private cabin on the train.

4. Big Apartments in Major Cities.  Much has been said about the cast of the sitcom Friends and how they all managed to have such amazing apartments despite being poor twentysomethings living in Manhattan.  We were told the big apartment was “rent controlled” and essentially inherited from non-existent dead relatives.  This little excuse is so popular, in fact, that the movies and TV would have you believe that all of NYC is rent-controlled.  Not true.  In fact, is it pretty much impossible for struggling young creative types to live in big apartments in Manhattan, it’s equally impossible for struggling young creative types to live in the middle of almost any major US city.  And before you start typing that the rent is low in YOUR major US city, stop to make certain that it’s “major” first.  Less than three million people?  Maybe.  Less than two million?  Hardly.  Less than one million people living in the downtown core?  Nope.  Welcome to “Adorable little city”.  In a major city, it’s likely even The Jerry of Seinfeld would have had a roommate, the cast of How I Met Your Mother would have one person living on the sofa, and the cast of Friends would probably all live in one apartment together…in New Jersey.  And forget about the myth of run-down lofts.  Every third movie about some struggling artist shows him living in a huge vacant loft with a freight elevator and train tracks right outside.  Um…no.  Landlords aren’t stupid.  Those lofts are hugely popular and hard to come by.  You know who lives there?  No one.  They’re rented out by film studios, textile companies, random offices, and shipping companies.  If you see an artist in one, he’s a graphic designer who goes home at the end of the day to his basement studio apartment next to the bus station.  He does not live in a huge adorable studio with floor to ceiling windows.

3. Riding in Taxis.  The waiter jumps in the back of the taxi after his bad break-up with that quirky girl who answers phones at the free clinic.  ”Just drive,” he says.  He wants to look out the window and clear his mind.  Meanwhile, we cut to the quirky woman in question as she stares out the windows of the taxi she’s sitting in.  What we don’t see is that, at the end of that cab ride, they each fork over a day’s pay to the guy behind the wheel.  People in cities where there are no taxis must think it’s just a cheap service we big city folk all get used to as part of our daily routine.  Understand this: When you live in a big city, taxis may be convenient, but they are never cheap.  Oh, sure, the movies makes it seem as if people are just flagging down those suckers left and right and jumping in for a quick escort home.  In reality, the three dollar subway underneath that street is packed top to bottom with people while those cabbies are driving around all day hoping for someone who has to get to the airport.  In Toronto, it costs four dollars just to get in the taxi.  That means, if you get in a cab and say “drive me to the end of the block,” the driver can do so and then say “That’ll be five bucks, please.”  A five mile cab ride from midtown to downtown can run you easily more than thirty dollars for that twenty minute ride.  Waiters and busboys and receptionists are not jumping in taxi cabs on a regular basis.  Not when, for the same money, you can buy dinner and drinks and then walk home.  You know when poor people take a taxi?  When they’re too drunk to walk or subway home…or too drunk to know any better.

2. Professional Movers.  Newly divorced and completely broke, our Rom-Com heroine moves into her new tiny apartment she somehow found in downtown Chicago.  Before she begins her new job waiting tables at the local diner that is only open for breakfast, she has to get situated in her new place.  Luckily, the movers have showed up with her belongings that she had shipped from Minneapolis.  ”Put that in the bedroom,” she says to the burly moving company employee as he walks in carrying that large box labeled “BEDROOM” on the side.  Oh, moving is so hard.  Well, you know what really makes it difficult?  The fact that hiring those movers would cost that poor, divorced waitress a month’s pay, that’s what.  If you’ve ever hired movers, you know what a relief it is and how it makes the entire experience of moving that much easier.  Why?  Because it’s not you and four of your jagoff friends trying to shove your sofa up a flight of stairs all because of the promise of beer and pizza at the end of the day.  That’s how poor people move, by the way.  They don’t hire movers, they trick their friends.  Moving sucks.  You know who knows this?  Professional moving companies.  That’s why they know they can charge you a monkey’s butt full of money to do it for you.  When you see that truck parked out in front of that downtown apartment and you see the hired help lugging that microwave into the building, take a long look at the car the occupant is driving.  It’s not a 1989 Buick Skylark with four mismatched tires.  And that plucky waitress at the diner?  You know who moved her stuff into her new place?  Whomever she tricked into doing it with the promise of food, booze, sex, or all three.

 

1. Healthy Food.  Our hero, having freshly moved to The Big City, is just settling into his enormous artist loft on The Wrong Side Of The Tracks.  Oh, he’s so poor, he has to live in this two thousand square foot empty space with just his futon and sparse belongings.  And no blinds on the floor-to-ceiling windows.  Just twelve long feet of daylight hitting him in the face.  Poor guy.  Well, at least he knows how to cook.  He’s ready to have himself a nice healthy dinner, and we see him pulling out the groceries he picked up at the local market on his way home.  Why, there’s tofu and broccoli and fresh bread and organic, free-range eggs.  Oh, he’s a struggling artist, but he’s healthy and he knows how to eat organic food.  Um…no.  He doesn’t.  Because healthy, fresh, all-natural food is expensive.  There’s a reason why poor people are often obese: Fattening junk food is filling and cheap as all hell.  You know what isn’t cheap?  Fresh broccoli and free-range anything.  For a day’s worth of broccoli, a person can get a week’s worth of hamburgers at the average fast food joint.  Soda is cheaper than bottled water.  Struggling artists are some of the unhealthiest people you will ever meet.  They do not tend to be amazing chefs, concocting that fabulous organic dinner that they wash down with a bottle of wine all alone in their apartments.  They actually tend to boil Ramen noodles in the same pot from which they will eat them.  They tend to not splurge on free-range eggs.  The only items they splurge on is cigarettes and booze.  Why?  Because one curbs hunger pangs and anxiety and the other one numbs the soul.  You know what doesn’t keep you from hanging yourself from the exposed pipes in your apartment?  The knowledge that a chicken died of old age before you ate it.

There you have it.  A quick five examples of things that TV and movies pretends doesn’t lead to bankruptcy.  Anything you notice that people in the movies seem able to afford that you’ve never been able to enjoy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shameless Self-Promotion Time!

Hey, gang!

Well, it’s been a busy week, for sure.  Just figured I’d drop you a quick note to tell you what’s going on in Ward’s World.  First of all, my Cabaret-Style show is tomorrow night (February 3rd) at The Comedy Bar in Toronto.  If you’re in the area, come on out and see the show.  It’s a new experience for me in a new club (the room seats less than 100), so it should be an intimate, enjoyable show for everyone.  Also, comic Brendan McKeigan will be on the bill.  Good times.  More info can be found RIGHT HERE

Today, I was happy to be promoted in a few outlets.  First of all, the Canadian TV network BITE TV was kind enough to feature me on its website in their “Comedy Spotlight” section.  There you can see a brief bio about me as well as some various clips of my work.  Stay tuned to hopefully see more of me on Bite.  RIGHT HERE is where you can see the Spotlight.

And I had a blast on the very cool podcast of my friend, Humble Howard, a man who has been a radio staple in Toronto for well over twenty years.  The Humble and Fred Show has gone off the radio and is not a very popular podcast, sponsored by Rogers Cable.  This was one of my favourite interviews in recent memory, so please go give it a listen.  You can hear the entire interview RIGHT HERE.  It’s not a few minutes; we talk for a good hour.  So pour yourself a tall cup of coffee and enjoy the babble.

Later today, I’ll be appearing on The Edge FM here in Toronto.  I’ll be sure to post the audio as soon as it’s available.  Tune in and listen if you’re around today after 5pm.  Otherwise, come back this way and check it out in the near future.

Toledo, Ohio, next week!  Hope to see you all very soon.

 

Ward

5 Failed Dramatic Spin-Offs

You can’t throw a monkey at a semi-truck these days without coming up with a spin-off to a popular TV show. In fact, a monkey and a semi actually led to The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo, which was a spin-off of BJ and The Bear. Sure, there are popular shows like CSI: New York that were proven hits after coming from other successful programs. The list of failed spin-offs, however, is even longer. Below are five flops you might not even remember, which is likely why they failed in the first place.

5. Time of Your Life (1999). The TV show Party of Five made celebrities out of every one of its stars, including Jennifer Love Hewitt. This spin-off from that popular series seemed like a surefire hit, as it was heavily promoted to the same people who watched Five and kept the same general tone. Unfortunately, it was a failure before it even aired, and had to have the pilot episode re-written and mostly re-shot. It didn’t matter, because no one really liked the show, anyway, despite Hewitt reprising her role from Party of Five, along with soon-to-be-hugely-famous Jennifer Garner along for the ride. Fox even tried to gain extra attention by giving the show a second chance in the middle of summer, but no one was watching. Life lasted less than twenty episodes, and Hewitt went on to better things, like apparently being impossible to date.

4. Law & Order: Trial By Jury (2005). By the mid 2000s, it seemed that show creator Dick Wolf could do no wrong. He already had three massively successful Law & Order shows on NBC, a sweet syndication deal, and a public that seemed in love with the idea of another L&O spin-off. Not so fast. This series, which focused on prosecuting and defense attorneys preparing their cases for criminal court, only lasted 13 episodes and was quickly removed from the NBC schedule. It never really found its audience, was put on the “Friday Death Slot” when hardly anyone really watches TV, and lost beloved Law & Order veteran Jerry Orbach, who died at the beginning of the show’s production. The loss of Orbach quite possibly added to its lack of popularity, despite the fact that Cheers and Frasier alum Bebe Neuwirthwas the leading lady. By 2010, Trial By Jury was the only scripted Law & Order show canceled at all.

3. The Lone Gunmen (2001). Fans of the sci-fi series The X-Files are rabid, and their support saved that show from cancellation more than once. Too bad they didn’t have the same loyalty toward this spin-off, which followed three dorky conspiracy theorists who investigate weird shenanigans. The three leads were beloved as recurring characters onFiles, but never found many viewers for their own show. Critics loved it, but no one seemed to be watching, perhaps due to the lighter, comedic tone that was a departure from the original show. Unlike its predecessor, which was given several years to really find its audience, The Lone Gunman was canceled after only 13 episodes, with a cliffhanger finale that had to be wrapped up back on The X-Files later that year.  No word yet on whether or not the Gunmen will appear on Californication.

2. Booker (1989). In 1989, there were Johnny Depp fans and there were Richard Grieco fans. Due to the massive popularity of 21 Jumpstreet, Depp became a huge heartthrob as the 90s quickly approached. The then-fledgling Fox network brought Grieco to Jumpstreet in 1988 to add another handsome star to the popular cop show. The plan worked and Grieco became an instant sensation. So popular, in fact, that his star seemed about to outshine Depp’s, and a spin-off for Grieco’s character was ordered for the following year. Booker followed the exploits of cop-turned-private-investigator who solved oddball cases in a way that only a rock-star-looking PI could. Although fans loved the Booker character on Jumpstreet, they didn’t much care for him on his own show. Taking him away from busting high school kids seemed to spell the end for Booker, and the show only lasted one season. Grieco went on to star in a ton of B-movies and rumor has it that Johnny Depp is doing well for himself these days.

1. The Bradys (1990). Oh, wow, what a bad idea. How to you bring the eternally popular “Brady” family back to TV 15 years after the end of the classic sitcom The Brady Bunch? Apparently, CBS thought it should be done with a depressing hour-long drama. All the wacky characters from the early 70s show were made to be serious people with serious problems. Youngest boy Bobby crashed his race car and became a paraplegic, Marcia was an alcoholic, andeveryone’s lives seemed to kind of suck. The show was awkward in that viewers really didn’t want to see their beloved characters grown-up and miserable, and yet episodes inexplicably contained a laugh track. No one was laughing, nor was anyone watching. The show only made it to six episodes before disappearing, and people went back to watching re-runs of the original classic.

Where there is success, there is often failure. Not every spin-off has the luck of being as popular as the show from which it came. For every CSI: Miami there is a Baywatch Nights. As we patiently await more hit TV shows, we can only hope that no one is actually planning Law & Order: Parking Victims Unit.

Rockin’ Toronto!

Hello, Toronto!

Well, I am saying hello to everybody, really.  But, if you’re going to be in Toronto on February 3rd, I’m specifically saying hello to you.

Why?  Because I’m doing my first ever show at The Comedy Bar on West Bloor Street in Toronto on that day, that’s why.  The club is great (I’ve been there before to see other shows) and I’m excited about performing in a new venue right in my favourite city.

That’s Friday, February 3rd, at 8pm.  Seats are limited (it’s a small room), so we’re selling tickets in advance.

Just CLICK HERE to find out more about the show and purchase advance tickets.

I’ll be working on new material to prepare for my upcoming TV special.

This “intimate” show is something new for me, so I’m excited to be doing it in Toronto.  Hope to see you all there!

If you’re nowhere near Toronto, be sure to check out my Tour Dates to see when I will be coming to your neck of the woods.  Hopefully, we’ll cross paths in 2012.

See you next time,

Ward

The Myth Of Television

When I was a kid, stand-up comedy was all over the television.  During the 80s “Stand-Up Boom”, every major network had a stand-up comedy TV series.  Every cable network, from HBO to Showtime, had regular comedy specials, as well.  TV became a breeding ground for stand-up comics everywhere, and some of today’s stars cut their teeth being discovered on shows like MTV’s Half-Hour Comedy Hour and A&E’s Evening at The Improv. 

The good news in all of this is that the world was exposed to stand-up comedy (and comedians) and what it’s like to watch a club performer right there on the TV.  The bad news is that, two decades later, we still equate “TV” with “Comedic Ability”.  Since every network had stand-up comedy shows, tons of comedians from all over the world were getting TV appearances.  Sometimes on more than one show, more than one network.  If they were still touring the comedy clubs regularly (and most were), there was a better-than-average chance of seeing a comic from your TV right there in your local comedy club.  It was like being up close with a TV star!

Then, as “The Boom” died down and less stand-up comedy was featured on TV, a strange thing happened: People continued to expect the average comic at the average comedy club to be some guy that has been all over the television.  To this day, the shows that will sell the most tickets are the ones that feature comics who have the most (or most known) TV credits.  People want to see comics that have been on TV.  And that includes comedians they have never seen nor heard of before…!  They just want to know that the comic onstage has been a comic on TV, too.

Why?  Because, somewhere over the years, American audiences got it in their head that “TV = Funny”.  That a TV appearance is their guarantee to see a person who is “really” a “comedian”.  That guy they’ve never heard of?  He might be funny.  But if TV networks think he is, he must be.

Which would be fine if that line of thinking makes any sense.  There are still hundreds of comedy clubs all across America.  Yet there are not hundreds of TV shows featuring stand-up comedians.  The late-night talk shows hardly have comedians on them like they used to, and they don’t even cater to the amount of people you, dear reader, probably think they do.  The number one late-night talk show is still The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.  Guess how many people tune in to watch it every night?  About 3 million people.  Yes, less than 1% of the US population watches any of the talk shows.  Yet people still believe that  a comic telling clean-for-TV jokes for 5 to 7 minutes on one of those shows “proves” something.  What does it really prove?  A number of things:

1. That comic just might be genuinely great and hilarious.

2. That comic lives in New York City or LA, where most TV shows are filmed and most of the featured comedians reside.

3. That comic has 5 to 7 clean minutes of stand-up comedy material that work well on TV.

But only one of those things really guarantees you a great night of comedy at your local comedy club.  (Hint: It’s #1).

I’ve done a couple of TV appearances.  Not Leno or Letterman, of course.  In fact, nothing huge and mostly “local” things or syndicated programming.  But the irony is that doing the TV appearances was never what made me what audiences would consider to be a solid act.  What made me a better comic was working the road, building up my act in comedy clubs all over the country.  Yet, in the eyes of the stand-up comedy biz these days, that’s considered second to simply getting on TV.  By both the people booking the club and the people coming to the show.  The ability to make an audience laugh is secondary to simply filling the seats in the club with as little effort as possible…and the way to do that is to have some sort of credit (TV or film) to push upon the public.  It’s typical for me to hear at least once per week “You were sooo funny…how come I haven’t seen you on TV?”  What’s mostly funny about this is that the person saying it can’t tell me the names of most of the comics they have seen on TV.  Or the last time they watched some comedian on a late-night show.

How bad is it?  These days, the first thing a club wants to hear that you have before they will consider bringing you out is what sort of TV credits you have.  Again, this is in a day when TV credits are much harder to come by than they were 25 years ago.  Yet people still want to see people from the TV on their comedy stages.  There was a time when a comic built a reputation on the road and, from that, got on TV.  Nowadays, it seems you’re no good on the road until you’ve been on TV first.  The tail wags the dog, indeed.

And the irony is that people are demanding to see comedians from TV despite the fact that they don’t watch comedians on TV.  Without bothering to check, can you name six comedians off the top of your head that you saw last year on Comedy Central Presents?  How about the name of a comedian you saw on The Late Show With David Letterman?  Can you name a single comedian from Conan?  Yet, isnt’t there a good chance that you’d go see a comic in a club after being told he’s been on one of those shows than you will when you’re simply told “He’s a very funny comic who tours all over the country”?

The question, dear reader, is “WHY”?

Why do you think that the guy on TV has a chance of being funnier than the guy who is not?  Does being funny for 22 minutes (that’s a half-hour special, minus commercials) in front of a theatre of people on Comedy Central guarantee hilarity in a comedy club for an hour on a Friday night in front of 100 drunks?  Can that comic who was hilarious for 7 minutes on Leno keep you enthralled for 45 minutes in a bar on the weekend?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But why do we still believe that there’s a guarantee of that happening based on that person having appeared on The Boob Tube at some point, and possibly for less than thirty minutes?

This situation is odd mostly because it’s an American thing.  In Canada, where exposure is even harder to come by, it’s a given that almost every comedian in a comedy club has not been on  TV.  The audience figures that, if the comedian is working in a comedy club, he’s probably funny since he already has the job.  Comedy clubs, in turn, are more interested in making the club the brand, not riding the coattails of the comic.  Same goes for The UK, where touting of TV appearances comes off more as bragging than it does as being important.  Being on TV in The UK will not even guarantee you a regular comedy gig so much as being a great live act will.

Perhaps it’s our American obsession with celebrity and TV in the first place?  After all, we’ve made huge celebrities out of people with absolutely no talent other than their ability to get on TV.   Comedy clubs have followed suit.  Only in America would a reality star suddenly become a comedian and be selling out comedy clubs based only on name recognition.  But it happens.  It’s only a matter of time before the cast of Jersey Shore starts cashing in.  Less than two years into doing actual stand-up comedy, Steve-O from Jackass can sell out a theatre.  Meanwhile, a comedian who has dedicated his life to doing stand-up for twice (or three times) as long struggles just to get a regular gig as an opening act at scale wages.  Some former TV stars from the 70s can still pack a comedy club based on nothing more than name recognition….despite having been on a program that has been off the air for 30 years and is older than many people sitting in the audience in the comedy club.

I am not saying that the people you see on TV are not great comedians, nor that they are not worthy of your comedy club dollar.  Quite the contrary, I’m saying that we all probably are all worth that dollar.  After all, we got the job in the first place, right?  It just seems odd that American audiences are so insistent on believing that their dollar is only worth being spent if it’s on someone who has appeared on their television first…even if they’ve never seen that person before.  The venues have followed suit, giving the people what they want.  But did you actually get more bang for your buck based solely on the credentials of the guy you’ve never seen before anyway?

The most ironic part is that audiences don’t realize that they’re doing themselves a disservice.  The more TV stars you insist upon seeing in a comedy club raises your comedy dollar.  That guy who has been on Comedy Central may very well be the best comic you’ve ever seen.  But even if he isn’t, you will pay like he is.  Booking guys like that costs more money.  Celebrities cost even more.  Is is possible you would have laughed just as hard at some non-famous comedian…and for less money?

There was a time when people went to comedy clubs because it was a comedy club.  It was where they would see professional comedians being funny.  But we have slowly done away with that and convinced them that a “professional comedian” is only as good as the TV show he has appeared on.  When we probably should have been pushing “This is the PLACE to see live comedy”, we chose instead to say “This is where you can see people that have been on TV”.  The audiences expect it because we’ve conditioned them to believe that’s what’s important.

I recently read several comment cards left on the table at a local comedy club.  There was  line where the club had asked “What Comedians Would You Like To See Here In The Future?”.  I was amused to see how many people responded with the names of comics that they had no chance of ever seeing at a 100 seat club such as that one.  Chris Rock was one example.  Dane Cook came up several times.  Larry The Cable Guy came up a few times.  No one put some random guy they’d seen on The Late, Late Show.   In fact, the only names listed at all were those of household names, movie stars, and enormously popular comics who only do big venues.  Yet the very fact that people actually thought they could get to see HUGE celebrities performing at a 100-seat basement club at 10 bucks a pop was hilarious.  People weren’t just insisting on seeing people with TV credits under their belts; they want outright stars.  So, why the insistence on seeing comedians who have been on The Tonight Show when apparently that doesn’t matter, either?

It’s our own fault, really.  Those of us who work in the stand-up comedy business have brought this upon ourselves.  After all, we’ve convinced audiences to believe that being on TV is the best qualifier for a gig at ChuckleDumps in Enid, Oklahoma.  Why shouldn’t they also believe that they should expect to be four feet away from a major celebrity comedian for spare change?

 

 

 

Fun With My Bag

I will preface this story by saying I am actually a fan of Southwest Airlines and find that they typically have the best Customer Service.  I will also say that the employee in this conversation was very polite to me throughout my conversation with him, despite the fact that I was giving him a hard time and admittedly being an ass.  But I was right, dammit.  -W

Actual Conversation Had With An Southwest Airline Employee:

Employee: Sir, your back is 51 pounds.  That’ll be $50 please.

Me: Why?

Employee: Any weight over 50 pounds is a fee of $50.

Me: But I’m allowed two free checked bags.

Employee: Yes, sir.

Me: So, I can have two free bags at 50 pounds each, but not one bag at 51 pounds?

Employee: Yes, sir.  It’s because the bag will be too heavy.

Me: But you already put a “HEAVY” sticker on the bag.

Employee: We do that for anything over 40 pounds.

Me: So, 50 pounds is not too heavy for you to lift, but 51 pounds is?

Employee: Yes, sir.

Me: But, if I pay $50, then it’s suddenly not too heavy for you to lift?

Employee: Well…I guess not.

Me: How will the baggage handlers know that it’s not just 50 pounds, since you’d put the same sticker on it anyway?  And how would the baggage handlers know that I paid you $50 more?  Won’t they lift it regardless, whether I’ve paid $50 or not?

Employee: Well…

Me: Do you divy up that $50 amongst the baggage handlers?

Employee: It goes to the company’s bottom line.

Me: I have a luggage scale I use before my trips.  It read that my bag was 48 pounds.  How do I know your scale is right and mine is not?  Isn’t there a margin of error?

Employee: We have to go by this scale here, obviously.

Me: Then shouldn’t there be leeway of at least a pound or two.  I mean, does that one pound make that much of a difference?  How do I know your scale isn’t measure high to increase profits by being dishonest to the customer?

Employee: It’s for the safety of the passengers, too, sir.

Me: How do you figure?

Employee: If everyone went a pound over on their baggage, it could offset the weight of the plane.

Me: How could you possibly make that conclusion, since you don’t weigh the passengers?

Employee: Well, we can guess.

Me: You can guess the weight of an entire plane of people, but you can’t guess an extra pound per suitcase?

Employee: (Strange snickering noise caused by realization that simply repeating rules without actually understanding them makes a person look ridiculous.)

Me: Aren’t I doing you a favour by having one suitcase at 51 pounds and not two suitcases that could be a grand total of 100 pounds?  In theory, my overcramming ONE suitcase saves space and weight on your plane.

Employee: Can you remove something from the suitcase to lessen that one pound?

Me: Okay.

This is when I reach into the suitcase and pull out a wadded up duffel bag I keep in it in case I buy things while traveling and need to check an extra bag on return flights. The duffel bag folds up into a little case it can be stored in.

Employee: Perfect!  Now it’s fifty pounds.  Problem solved.  And you can now just carry that with you.

Me: No, I get two free checked bags.  So I’m going to check this one.

Employee: You…you’re going to check a small, one-pound, empty duffel bag?

Me: If I wanted to carry it with me, I would have done that.  I packed it for that reason.

Employee: But it’s just a little, balled-up duffel bag.

Me: Do you allow two free checked bags?

Employee: Yes.

Me: Then, I’m checking it.  What do you think your bagage handlers would prefer?

Employee’s Manager Who Has Been Watching This Exchange: Just stuff it back into the suitcase and check the bag.  It’s one pound.

Me: EXCELLENT!  This is why Southwest Airlines has the best customer service in the airline industry!

Lessons Learned: Logic Trumps “Company Policy” 9 times out of 10; The Customer Comes First; Ward Anderson is a sanctimonious ass.

Welcome to 2012

Hello, all!

As I sit in yet another hotel room at the beginning of yet another year, let me start by thanking you all for being there, reading this now.  The past decade has brought me much success and I’m happy to be starting another year with all of you out there.  Thanks for being there as time has rolled on.

And, boy, time is rolling on, is it not?  They say that, as you get older, time starts to fly by.  It’s absolutely true, and I can’t believe we’ve just had Christmas and January is in full swing.  Feels to me as if summer just ended, and here I am taking down my Christmas tree.  It’s only three feet tall, so luckily such a task won’t take very long.

I’m currently in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  The upcoming weeks will take me to California, Pennsylvania, Ohio, and overseas.  Hope to see you all at a show this year.  You can, of course, check out my “TOUR DATES” and see where I’ll be.  The dates change and are added all the time, so keep an eye out.

I’m acting more, directing more, and writing more.  Some sort of book will hit shelves this year, although that all depends upon a little bit of luck and (hopefully) some serious bargaining on behalf of my WONDERFUL literary agent.  Stay tuned and keep your fingers crossed.

If you’re feeling bored, you can always check out my TV special from 2010.  “Americanadian” is available right here in the “FREE STUFF” section on this website.  Go check it out.

Hope you have a great 2012.  Tell me your Resolutions for the new year and what you’re planning.

Until next time,

W

5 Random Facts About Chistmastime

As the holiday season draws to a close, I figured now was the perfect time to give you fine readers some random facts that you might not know about Christmas, December, and the Holiday Season in general. Grab a cup of egg nog and enjoy!

5. The Average North American Takes Six Months To Pay Off Christmas Debt. That’s right, you are not the only one. If you thought you were alone when it comes to overspending during the holidays, you were wrong. In fact, most North Americans (Yes, that includes Canada) spend half a year paying off the debt acquired each holiday season, just barely giving themselves enough time to get ready for next year’s holiday. Visa credit cards are reported to be used over 5,000 times every minute in the final weeks leading up to Christmas.

4. December Is The Most Popular Month For Nose Jobs. Is it because no one wants to show up at the holiday party with the shnozz they hate so much? Who knows? But all numbers point to December as being the month when most people get a little rhinoplasty done by their local plastic surgeon. Do they ask for a nose job from Santa or merely use their Christmas bonus to make it happen? The general assumption is that the holiday season allows the most time off from work to recover from this simple (but sometimes bruising) procedure. So, go enjoy your new face, Rudolph!

3. The Christmas Tree Business Is Booming. Despite the fact that artificial trees sell very well, real live Christmas trees still outsell their fake counterparts. Every year in North America, people buy upwards of 3o million “live” Christmas trees. That’s almost the entire population of Canada. Artificial trees are being sold more and more every year, however, making their biggest jump in sales during the 2007 season, where there were over 17 million sold. That’s up from the 9 million sold in 2006. Being a Christmas tree farmer is a full-time job, as they are sold to both businesses and private homes alike. The artificial tree market certainly isn’t struggling, either.

2. Rudolph was a “MAD MEN” ploy. Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, is obviously the most famous reindeer of all. But it wasn’t always so. In fact, in the original ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore, Rudy wasn’t even mentioned. It wasn’t until 1939 that our favorite reindeer came to life in a poem written by Robert L. May as an ad campaign for the Montgomery Ward department store chain. Montgomery Ward gave away coloring books every Christmas and decided in 1939 to come up with their own story. May wrote “Rudolph” and the chain gave away over 2 million copies of the book. May’s brother in-law, Johnny Marks, wrote the popular song that became an instant classic, the number two selling single of all time for over thirty years. That said, the lyrics to the song are actually quite different than the actual poem written for the popular coloring book.

1. Santa Claus Has a Canadian Address. Is it any surprise to learn that Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick dwells in the Great White North? Why not? After all, it’s pretty darned close to the North Pole, it’s often freezing cold, and there’s plenty of carb-heavy food (like poutine!) to keep his belly just like a bowlful of jelly. Around 1982, tired of kids’ letters to Santa always piling up at random post offices all over the country, Canada Post officially gave Santa Claus his own Postal Code. Ready for this? It’s H0H 0H0. Yes, that’s “HO HO HO” to those of you who haven’t figured it out. This one is exclusive to Santa Claus, and every letter that has THIS postal code will get there, regardless of the address on the envelope. Of the upwards of 1 million letters sent to Santa Claus at THIS postal code every year, every single one is answered in the language in which it was received. Canadians are so polite, especially Canadian elves!

Now run out and tell all your friends in the neighborhood all the great things you learned today about Christmas. Then challenge them to a snowball fight and run home for a cup of hot chocolate!

5 Awkward Christmas Music Videos

Do you love Christmas music?  Do you love Christmas music videos?  Well, you’re not alone.  Christmas music used to be a way for artists to get a quick album out to fulfill their contractual obligations to their record labels.  Nowadays, however, Christmas albums are a big cash cow.  Every year, artists famous and once-famous put out new Christmas albums and new videos.  Some are great.  Some are awkward.  Whether or not you like the actual songs, below are five videos that are just weird to watch.

 

5. “Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth” by Bing Crosby and David Bowie.  People everywhere love this song, which was from Bing Crosby’s last Christmas TV special.  Bowie was trying to clean-up his rough image and go more mainstream at the time, so he appeared on the special and sang this song.  But Bowie didn’t actually like “The Little Drummer Boy”, which is why the song had new lyrics written for him.  It’s supposed to be a heartwarming duet and, although it sounds good, the duo simply don’t look right together.  For whatever reasons.  Here’s the kick in the mistletoe: Crosby died four weeks later.

4. “The First Noel” by Crash Test Dummies.  Liking this video probably depends upon whether or not you like Canadian band Crash Test Dummies.  Granted, the video is supposed to be funny.  But while it should appear tongue-in-cheek, it mostly comes off as awkward.  Parts of the song/video are just fine.  But when singer Brad Roberts sings this sweet carol, you should send the kids out of the room.  Most small children willy likely be scared at a voice that deep during the holidays.

3. “Hey, Santa!” by Carnie and Wendy Wilson.   This is one of those videos where, if you just listen to the song, you’ll probably wind up tapping your foot and smiling.  The video isn’t bad as much as it was obviously done on the cheap, with little participation from the stars.  The Wilson sisters (of Wilson Phillips fame) just hang out on the sofa while crazy shenanigans happen in the background.  It’s as if their agent said “The video is all set.  Just show up and sit on the sofa.  We’ll take care of the rest.”  Look closely, and you can see that the Wilson sisters themselves are kind of rolling their eyes and laughing at the whole thing.

2. “Last Christmas” by WHAM!  One of the catchiest (and most re-rerecorded) Christmas tunes of the past fifty years.  And this is the one that started it all.  Watch this video, however, and you’ll laugh when you remember how long we were all fooled into believing that George Michael wasn’t gay.  Here we seem him pining for his “ex-girlfriend” at a Christmas party.  Did he deserve the girl?  Maybe.  But he definitely deserved an acting award.

1. “Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band Aid.  Okay, it was a very noble cause.  A bunch of UK artists (and Kool and the Gang from the USA) got together to record this rocking tune to benefit the starving people in Africa.  It was “We are the World” before there was “We are the World”.  And it remains a big hit.  But, let’s be honest, most of the artists in the video look terribly bored.  There’s a handful of people who seem to be into it (Thanks, Simon LeBon), while a few look like they can’t wait for a long winter’s nap.

There you have it.  But, wait!  As a Christmas present to you, dear readers, we present this BONUS AWKWARD VIDEO!

“Let it Snow!” by Jessica Simpson.  Hey, Jessica, since you spent the time to make the song and the Christmas album, how’s about you spend time making a decent music video?  This video features only shots of Jessica, standing in front of a green screen, twirling her umbrella under fake snow effects.  It’s literally the sort of thing people make at amusement parks and shopping malls.  You can make a video just as easily in on hour at home in your studio apartment right now.